Ode to Sprint: Somebody Calls You, You Answer Quite Slowly

As I write this, I’m listening to twangy guitar music that calls up obscure photos of massive spiny cactus, mud, and a riderless swaybacked horse. Numerous mud. I’ve been listening to the identical few bars for 43 minutes and counting.

Each few seconds, the music is interrupted by this: “We apologize for the wait. We’re at present experiencing larger than regular volumes and lengthy maintain instances. If you don’t want to wait, please dangle up and name again at a later time, or chances are you’ll keep on the road, and the subsequent accessible consultant will help you.”

I’m on maintain on Dash’s fraud administration line. (It’s 1-888-788-0788 in the event you’d like to listen to the music.)

I made a decision to attend for the subsequent accessible consultant, as a result of I beforehand wasted about half-hour making an attempt to navigate Dash’s customer support line however was unsuccessful at reaching a human. I did converse to a human at my native Dash retailer, who couldn’t do something to assist me aside from give me this nice quantity.

Grinch Foiled

If somebody had been to select up, right here’s what I might say: Again round Christmas time, some unauthorized particular person accessed my account, ordered a few iPhones, and tried to arrange a few new strains. (Thanks, Yahoo.) As a result of my account was arrange for autopay, and because it occurred across the holidays, the fees might need gone unnoticed for fairly some time.

I’m glad Dash’s fraud administration people had been on their toes and thwarted the crime. In an effort to shield my account, Dash erased my on-line profile and canceled my autopay. I used to be advised I’d get my future payments within the mail, and I ought to pay solely my standard month-to-month expenses, even when I had been billed for extra.

Effectively, that appeared inconvenient however essential, so I heaved a sigh and went on with my life.

Can You Really feel My Ache?

I didn’t obtain something within the mail from Dash, although — no acknowledgment {that a} fraud had occurred, no month-to-month assertion, no nothing. Nonetheless, this week, I obtained an e mail saying {that a} larger-than-usual cost was due.

I tried to go online to my account however discovered that Dash now not knew me on-line. Neither my previous person identify nor my present e mail tackle had been acknowledged. I known as Dash’s customer support quantity and obtained caught on the automation wheel of hell. There’s no choice for “consultant.” Don’t press zero within the hope of getting a Dash operator — it simply disconnects you.

I couldn’t discover a buyer help e mail tackle — the billing e mail I’d acquired warned me to not hassle making an attempt to answer. I discovered no alternative to speak on-line — I suppose on-line chat is just for clients. Oh yeah, I’m a buyer.

Cue the Indiana Jones Music

Wow. At 1 hour, 4 minutes, Robert answered — an actual man! We spoke for a few minute, and he apologized for the lengthy wait. After a little bit of checking, he acknowledged that what I’d advised him was proper. Then he put me on maintain once more.

The annoying robo-message was completely different, however the pleasant music was the identical.

When Robert returned, he had an answer for my drawback. He walked me via re-establishing my on-line profile and was affected person once I made many errors, which I doubt I might have made if my head hadn’t been full of that effing guitar music or about to blow up from the extra-large dose of frustration.

My name with Dash ended at simply over the 1:20 mark.

Unfaithfully Yours

Robert will get an A+ for being useful and good-natured, notably since I’m guessing everybody he speaks to has been ready too lengthy and is aggravated to the nth diploma.

Dash will get a C-. I’ll give the corporate credit score for catching the fraud proactively (although its personal cash was at stake, after all). It additionally will get factors as a result of the people in its make use of truly wished to be useful and finally did resolve my drawback.

Nonetheless, Dash clearly has adopted a “customer support” system that’s designed to push clients away as an alternative of embracing them. It doesn’t appear to have a robust want to instill loyalty and belief. It’s past ironic {that a} communications service supplier is so horrible at speaking.

Dash, I’d prefer to introduce you to Amazon. I feel you may gain advantage by following Amazon round for a couple of days to watch the best way it treats its clients. Amazon does it proper, and it will get numerous my cash, together with my enthusiastic word-of-mouth reward, for treating me so nicely. We’ve been collectively for years, and I hope to develop very previous with Amazon at my aspect.

I would like you to like me the best way Amazon does, Dash — and in the event you do, I would simply return the love. The best way I’m feeling about you now, although, we’ve obtained little or no probability at a long-term relationship. In truth, I feel I’ll verify proper now to see when my contract is up.